Life goes on...

Having nothing to do should be a luxury, but it is driving my absolutely nuts! A week after my interviews, I am finally coming back in to Chemistry tomorrow for that writing and editing test...

I go from highs to lows every other hour. I think I am perfect for the job, then I think, I will never be hired. It is very frustrating. I guess I will know by next week.

For now, my plan is... wait. 

If I don't get this job, I'm going home on June 11th... then maybe Hawaii with Hales, then eventually come back to Diego and if Andrew let's me, I will live with him temporarily till I can get a job and get on my feet. That would make a free summer, maybe the last in my life until I retire or have kids or whatever nonsense life harnesses me to.

Anyway, I'll let you know.

Life, what now

This will be short.

Tis' true, I have graduated.

Thursday I had two interviews, however the job with San Diego Unified School District told me, they no longer know if the position exists due to the recent budget cuts . Sigh. I thought it was hopeful.

My interview with Chemistry PR went well, I thought, and I left excited and, once again, hopeful. I do have a lot of competition. Today I was supposed to be contacted for a writing and editing test... no call, no email. I'm worried.

Maybe I'll get to go home after all.

Boo

Once upon an optimistic day

Freshman year...

Some sappy thoughts for you from me, Steph, that I thought I would share. Here goes... Think about your life...(pause to really give you time to) really just think about it, and you will realize how good it really is. We all have so much to be thankful for (truly!), the beauty and brevity of life is ASTOUNDING, and should NEVER be taken for granted, though it frequently is. Its so hard to make the most of every day we are given, everyone says you should, there are thousands of quotes about it; Live like its your last, Live like its brand new, but it is rather hard to get it into your head in a way that makes sense, in a way that will drive you. Maybe today you can wake up and actually TRY, try something different?. . . and see where it gets you? Don’t go through the motions, and just do something unplanned.

Most won't take these words seriously, this won’t be read as a call to action, but in case anyone does, its not that hard to make a real great change to your life, if you really truly want it. Your character, your attitude, its not that difficult to be who you want to be, its all a matter of changing your heart and mind and getting the both of those wonderful parts in sync!! I'm taking steps in that direction, so that’s my message to anyone who wants to follow me. These seem like just words, right, words that are trying to come off as inspirational. That’s not what I'm aiming for, (unless it works out that way!) But hey! Seriously, just give it a thought.

Life is good, find good people, and share it with them. Doing simple things like sharing, teaching, smiling more, having patience for people, ACCEPTING others for who they really are, their quirks and habits, saying bless you, hey, it helps. I’ve been finding that out. I’ve read things like this all the time, and I always think, being nice, helping others, loving life, wow, that’s touching, then forget about it, and go through another day grumbling about homework and being mad that Grey’s wasn’t new tonight.... It wasn’t too long ago that I took a second look at how I was acting and thought, WTF is wrong with me? Lol, no really, I don’t swear but I think I might have thought that. But if you put words to action you'll find its a whole other ball game and you are winning, and so is everyone else (What?! Yeah, really!).

All I’m saying is, give this life of yours a second chance, if you don’t agree with me now about how good it really is, make some changes. I don't know exactly what to tell you individually about getting to the place I'm at right now, how happy I am, but when you figure out your own path, you'll find like I did that there's no where else you'll want to be.

Blast from the Past

As the end of the year approaches, I wanted to relive a little of my past... oh how trite those worries once were:

Saturday, April 29, 2006

I really like life. I may be sick, almost not passing Econ102, and feeling like I gained a little weight in the last nine months... my face may not be as clear as I wish it was, my bank account may not be as full... but my time is so precious and I really need to focus on these last few days here at school... 20 and counting... it is midnight, on April 30th, and I leave the 19th of May... *sigh*

I have met some wonderful people that I plan on hanging on to if they decide they want to stick around.

I want to focus on me, on my emotions and feelings and experience and breathe in every moment and savor it because this time could very well define my next few years, and this time... well it may be the best of the best.

And though I know I need to sort some things out in my life, and I am the only one in the world who knows the whole depth of these problems... though this is true...

I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I wrote this a couple days ago. It doesn't mean much but it was on my mind.

“To stand in awe of nothing, is perhaps the one and only thing that can make a man happy and keep him so.” Horace, in Epistles.

We’ve been afraid to step off the path, we can’t travel too far or for too long, we can’t fall too deeply in love, we can’t explore our true dreams, we can’t become friends with strangers and strange people. “We may be on a conveyor belt, but it’s worse down there on the filth-strewn floor. So don’t sound off, don’t blow your chance...” (Mark Edmundson). Don’t leave this world that has been created for you, or you can never come back. The people of our world won’t tolerate a step of that path, or you won’t manage to get back on once you’ve done a little exploring. Too many people, to small of a chance. If we stay out in the forests, will we lose ourselves, or will we find ourselves? If we are on our own, do we find we are who we want to be? Some would rather be themselves with the inclusion of all that has influenced and affected them, they would be lost without the ideas of others to guide them and mold them and shape them and create them. Some are a product of everyone else, the friends, the markets, the television, the media, their mothers... We all are to some extent, more than in the past, and more than we even realize. There are few who foster their own ideas, who make their own path, who find themselves alone in the forest, and don’t mind it. They are not lost.
We all follow a story of life, and one we don’t even realize we follow. It’s there in every breathe we take, every step and every moment in our lives. We breathe this story, we play out this story like a script, though there is none in tangible existence. It’s the one we have grown up to know and understand, and play out, as if in its enactment, we will ultimately find out purpose for living.

I don’t want our world to be full of one-dimensional people. I can’t live for easy pleasures, I want adventure and surprise and amazement and faults. I’d like to work to build my comfort, not have it be handed to me in the form of electronic appliances and television dramas with no unpleasant endings. I don’t want to believe in God and Jesus only as a safety net, I don’t want to look at the sunset and think nothing of it. I want to be surprised at things. I don’t want to take things for granted, and I don’t want to forget the good things I have in my life. I don’t want to live my life like I’ve been cast on a sitcom, I don’t want to have calculated words and steps, and I don’t want to have to watch what I say when it’s my thought that I thunk. It’s an original and a beauty and created for expression. I never want to second-guess myself again. I want to always believe that there is more to find, and I am not finished yet. I don’t want to be judged for uniqueness and I want to step off this path because I can’t see over everyone’s heads and my feet are tired and dirty. The forest may be quiet and lonely but it’s green and peaceful and full of opportunity and new experiences, things to be found and learned. I shouldn’t be scared but the people keep pushing, and I keep losing my chance...

A Grad's Perspective

(A blog for my internship)

As a soon-to-be graduate of SDSU, I definitely have concerns for my upcoming induction into the ‘real world’, that, whether I like it or not, is rapidly approaching. Needless to say, those of us graduating this May are facing a difficult job market and will have to take it head on.

I find myself in a situation in which, come my commencement on May 23, life as a college student will end leaving me with absolutely no concrete plans . . . a circumstance that I am not at all accustomed to. For my entire life, I have always had a definite direction that shaped my choices.

Presently, I can’t make even the simplest of decisions until I know where I stand as far as securing a job. Summer travel plans, living situations, and prospective part-time positions are on hold until I am certain that the economy has completely defeated my efforts to find a stable job. I definitely feel as though I have discovered where the sidewalk ends.

The realization of no longer being a part of the student population, and just another citizen in the world is a daunting and yet sobering one. I have made it this far, and I am satisfied that my college experience has adequately prepared me for what lies ahead. Being lucky enough to intern with SDSU’s Marketing and Communication Department will hopefully give me that extra step.

Whether grads will have to seek out positions unrelated to our field, or find part-time jobs until the economy perks up, we have been equipped with the tools to succeed and we will eventually find our chance, even if not as immediate as we hoped. Though it might be easy for prospective grads to be discouraged, lets keep our heads up because we have something to offer the world. There is hope for us! Good luck to all the 2009 grads!

Where the sidewalk ends

So this is it, down to the wire. It is May 4th, and I am less than 20 days from graduation. Here is the update on the job search.

1. I have an interview this Wednesday with the motivational speaker... keep in mind, it is only part time and $10 an hour. I am worried that if I have other job opportunities that it will get in the way of those...

2. My boss where I am currently interning said he would be happy to refer me to the Chief Director of Relations at the San Diego Unified School District who mentioned he might like some added help on some project. I believe this would be a salaried entry level position... pretty much a dream job for a college graduate.

Now, I have a couple problems. One, this Wednesday interview is approaching fast and I am both worried to accept the job, as well as be rejected from it. I don't want to be left with nothing at all, but I'd rather not commit to something that my inhibit other opportunities. Problem two is this: I sent a well written e-mail to the Chief Director, and after I sent it, I realized in the FIRST line, instead of Dear Mr. ----- I said, "Dr. Mr. -----" I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED! I was too concerned double checking the rest of the e-mail that I completely over looked it. What was I thinking? My only prayer is he overlooks it as well, but it is a long shot. As a PR intern, I really should have perfect superb writing skills, yet I botched it in the first line. I think those two letters ruined my future.

Like I said, this is it. I feel like my hand has been held for the last 21 years down this path, and now, in the distance, I can see the path stop, destination CLIFF!.... and every step I take, I become more and more panicked, and I'd like to let go of this hand, and I want to say, "Let's just go back" but they nod their heads, and smile to assure me and keep me moving on, and it gets closer and Closer and CLOSER and I'm curious but afraid at the same time... there it is, the cliff. You can look over the edge all you want, but you will have to jump at some point and there is no going back.

I'd like to find my wings please (and soon!).